I have been desperate to have children from the moment I physically could. I was lucky enough to meet my to be husband at 17 so after we married when I was 23 I felt like I'd been waiting forever.
I became pregnant when I was 24 and we were both extremely anxious but both very excited. Sadly this baby was not to be and at 10 weeks I had a miscarriage. We were both devastated. After talking it through we both said we wanted to try again. The next month I was pregnant again. At the time pregnancies were only scanned at 20 weeks. We had decided not to tell anyone about the pregnancy so it was very easy to stay detached and not really believe it was happening.
Fast forward to the hospital delivery room. I was asking what pain relief was available when the midwife explained there was no time for that I would be a mother within an hour. It suddenly hit me that it really was going to happen this time. I was going to get the baby it seemed I had been waiting my whole life for.
We had been to the antenatal classes where the breastfeeding talk lasted all of ten minutes. The midwife briefly explained that breast feeding was best for the baby and we all nodded and assumed that was all there was to it.
When my beautiful daughter was born I dutifully put her to my breast to feed her and all seemed well. Eventually it was time for my husband to leave me at the hospital and I suddenly seemed totally responsible for this amazing new being. A couple of hours after that she seemed to have done nothing but feed or scream. A passing midwife told me to feed my crying baby, I said to her that I had fed her non stop since she had been born. The midwifes response was, yes they feed non stop. Gahhhh!
The next day I came home. The midwife visited me at home where I dutifully nodded that beastfeeding was going great and all was well. The midwife told me I was a natural. What I was desperate to tell her but too ashamed was that one of my nipples was bleeding, I was sore and my baby didn't stop screaming or feeding.
The midwife came again the next day. Again I said all was well, when it very much wasn't. Within an hour of her leaving thinking we were doing fine I was a blubbering wreck on the phone to her saying I needed her help. She arrived within minutes, she seemed like an angel. First of all she asked what on earth I was doing hiding upstairs to feed, no wonder I was feeling alone. She then showed me how to position cushions and how to hold my daughter like a rugby ball. Most of all though, she listened to the ramblings of a hormonal terrified new mum.
The next few weeks were hard. I had been discharged by the midwife and felt like I had no support. There was no point asking my mum or mother in law, they were of the formula feeding generation and would have just told me to give up. I had no friends with babies. Although I was beyond being a teenage mum, most of my friends had only just left university none of them had babies. I was extremely uncomfortable feeding in front of anyone except my husband. I would plan leaving the house so I wouldn't have to. I literally never did it in public.
After about 6 weeks I finally felt I knew what I was doing and had both my daughter and feeding in a routine.
It seemed no time at all before people were asking me about weaning, it was something I hadn't considered, certainly not in regards to breast feeding. When the time came I just carried on feeding and assumed I would know when my daughter and I were ready to stop. I was right, by 16 months I felt ready to move on and was even beginning to think about a second baby.
Lucky for us there was no problem transitioning and I felt confident that I had picked the right time.
Soon I did become pregnant again, this time was so different to the first. Yes, breastfeeding was uncomfortable to start with, however I knew it wouldn't last. More importantly I couldn't fall to pieces this time, I had a 3 year old to look after as well as a baby. I was so pleased when one day I saw my daughter copying me and breastfeeding her doll. No hiding away to feed this time, it just wasn't possible with a 3 year old in tow. I bought some breastfeeding tops that covered up my wobbly bits, this really helped my confidence. It really was a shock to me how little people stared, I felt completely different this time.
My daughter caught swine flu when baby number 2 was 6 months. She was incredibly ill and it was a very scary time. There was nothing I could do to protect my baby from catching it and it seemed inevitable. However, he never did. I hope it was my breastmilk that protected him. If it was I thank mother nature for enabling me to protect him.
Again this breast feeding journey lasted a year.
Three years on and baby number 3 arrived. Its hard to believe how different I have felt about feeding each baby. I felt completely confident about breast feeding number 3. I made sure I was ready with feeding tops. However, even with baby number 3 I still had questions and queries.
In Overton where I live we are so lucky. We have two wonderful breast feeding counsellors. They are so knowledgeable and supportive answering questions and listening. I wish so much they had been around for my first.
I am now really lucky, I have a wonderful group of mummy mates that share the ups and downs of babies and life. I feel so glad that I didn't stop feeding in those early days with baby number 1, it seemed like the easy and obvious solution. However, by baby number 3 I've realised breastfeeding is far easier. No going downstairs in the cold at night to make bottles, I always have safe sterile milk with me. My baby is protected against so many illnesses. I am also benefiting from a lower risk of breast and cervical cancer.
When talking to friends who are expecting for the first time I find there is still little information for parents regarding breastfeeding. They all seem to know its the best thing for their baby and assume it will be straight forward. I try to share how difficult it can be but how rewarding and beautiful it can be once you have the hang of it. I think a support network in place before your baby is born is essential. Having someone you can call when things get tough that will listen and advise is invaluable.
Breastfeeding isn't for everyone and I totally support a woman's choice. A baby needs a happy mum more than it needs breast milk. However, if a woman can be supported in the right way, breast feeding is a wonderful part of motherhood.
Jill Cann
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