What breastfeeding means for me ?

I often say that breastfeeding is a relationship between mother and baby.

And, as a relationship, a lot that defines it has to do with each individual's personality and in the case of the mother her life experience.

I knew long before I was pregnant that I would breastfeed my children. When I was expecting my first child I pictured our life together, a gurgling baby, drinking my milk and gazing into my eyes... But at 32 weeks of pregnancy I was told that my baby had died and he was stillborn two days later.
Three days after he was born my milk came in - a complete shock - and the pain of loss was even greater.
Then a while again later we had an appointment with the consultant to hear the results of the postmortem. Nothing... But the human mind has troubles coping with nothing and the consultant still tried to find an explanation to give us. He said that the baby had been a bit small, probably the placenta had not been working well (now five pregnancies later and I know that the placenta had been working fine up to the point where, for a reason still unknown, I bled inside and the baby died in a matter of hours, if not minutes). what I translated was : I haven't given to my baby everything he needed.

So it was really, really important for me to breastfeed my children, to know that my body was able to make a baby grow and thrive, all on its own, for 6 months.

It's hard to lose an unborn child. It's hard too, to become a parent. In a way giving birth is also a loss although you also gain something new. You lose the 'bump', the anticipation, the closeness of having your baby always with you. From the word go you have to start letting go, letting your baby be exposed to the attentions and feelings of others. I will always remember, when DD1 was very small, visiting a friend of my mother-in-law's and that she gave my baby to her friend to hold. DD1 started crying straight away (the friend strongly smelt of cigarette) and it hurt to witness this, it felt as if I had let my baby down.
And you have to let them be exposed to illness, accidents. Being a parent awakens the imagination and not always in a good way!

So, breastfeeding... It's a bit a continuation of being pregnant. Like blood, breast milk is a living fluid. Blood through the umbilical cord, breast milk from me to my baby.

A mum recently posted on a Facebook breastfeeding group: 'Thank you breastfeeding, for immediately calming and soothing my croupy two year old in the middle of the night. It might be tough going sometimes, but times like this really do make it all worthwhile. I'm glad we kept at it.'

This is so true, and it's really something I've learnt to value, as a breastfeeding mum, to have a poorly baby, or a baby who's had a fall, or a baby who got scared, or a baby who is sad, and being so easily and effectively able to comfort and heal.

So that's a little bit of what breastfeeding means for me. I know it will mean something very different for someone else. I know sometimes it's not to be and it can cause a lot of pain. But if that's what you really want to do and if somehow you manage to make it work, it's really worth it!

Anne x